love #9

"The second you left my side I said to myself, this is the best possible solution to things. As I constantly told myself, I know myself, I know how I work and how I deal with things. Life is a bitch. People make choises. I took a photograph that day, a picture of my feet on the ground. I was still standing, still walking, still breathing. Just not with you anymore. I just couldn't bare the shame."

"Red wine on my balcony. Thursday night is my favorite. Today I read a book about coulors, how they blend and what they say about people and life depending on how you choose to wear them and use them. That people are a mixture of different coulors. Then it was friday."

love #7

"Carmen. I met Carmen after our breakup. Again. She's cute. On our first date she had a black little tight dress and silvercoulored flats. Her blonde hair was just like on those pictures of models you see in magazines, and she had a million dollar smile. She had the classic french fingertips and long eyelashes. Those lashes framed her beautiful blue eyes and they were glistening like stars. Our conversations never ended and she wanted to meet me again. But she was nothing like you."

"Saturday the 20th of November. 22:34 pm. It's snowing. Again. But today I really like it, cause today I've done nothing at all except having dinner by myself and opened a great bottle of wine which is almost empty. I'm reading a great book now called Winter by Kendra Johnson, a collection of her greatest shortstories. I can only imagine how you must feel being able to create a world that so many people appreciate and love. And it's only yours. It's the third time I'm reading this book in November, it has sort of become a tradition. In the fifth of the seven shortstories she writes about a cancerpatient. This patient. Everybody feel so sorry for her. Bring her flowers and cry on her behalf. She on the other hand is a very happy person. So, this shortstory about a cancerpatient, her name is Ally. You get to follow a wrighter who's interviewing different people who's in different periods of their life. In this particular shortstory the wrighter enter Allys room and you get to follow their conversation and flashbacks in her life. Then towards the ending it sounds like this:

Still sitting in the room with Ally, still amazed by her story. By her life. And yet I can't help but question how that girl can have a smile on her face. Her life is ending. And she seems so happy, happier then most of the persons I've met doing these interviews. Most people I've ever met actually.
- You're so happy, I said to her smiling.
- Yes, I am. She smiled back at me, her eyes glowing.
- This may sound rude, but how can someone who is laying in a hospital bed... No, sorry.
- Please continue.
I stayed quiet, cause I couldn't say the words that almost slipped out of my mouth. But this Ally, who has touched my heart forever, anwserd my not still asked question without being asked.
- It's about living your life. Take one day at a time, and love every second of it. It's about taking care of what you have while you still have it. It's about never stop dreaming. Never stop laughing. Always have a smile on your face. Because you know what? The disease can take you away from home, from your friends and family. It can take away your job, your dog, your boyfriend, your fashionable clothing and nights out. But the disease can never take away your dreams. If you let it, it will, but I won't. I will not let it steal away my happiness too. I won't. But I will get back on track, I will be cured. And when I'm walking down the street with my fashionable clothes on my way for a night out, I will be so greatful. Just to be alive.
I stayed quiet, looking out the window, cause if I looked at her I swear I would burst into tears.
- And thank you miss Heather. I had so much fun today, talking to you. It was like having a girlfriend over for a glass of chardonnay. And you treated me like a person, not a patience. You talk to me as if I actually will get better and get out there again.
I looked at her, and her eyes were filled with tears, as she said two more words before I left.
- Thank you.

I love that novel. She gives me hope in the winter cold. Cause after reading this shortstory, I always take a walk. And when I meet a girl walking on the street on her way out in the winternight looking all dressed up, I smile and I pretend that I just met Ally and that her dream came true. That she was cured. Cause I want to believe she was."

love #6

"I'm counting the days, the minutes, the seconds since tha last time we met. It's 23 days, 47 minutes and 35 seconds. Why is it that you always do things like this when it's to late? Why do you keep holding on to never? She told me she never wanted to see me again. I guess I don't want to belive that. And I'm counting the days to prove her wrong."

"Yet again, after our breakup, I was really sad. But something in me started to shine again, and that's probably why I realized how much you mean to me when it was to late to realize such things. This wall that I'd created wanished. And I stood naked. Alone. It was enlightening, this nakedness. When I looked in th mirror, the shame was gone. I was free to love again."

"She moved out quickly. All her stuff were gone in just a couple of days. After three weeks I found one of her scarfs. It was a red scarf with white little details in the edges. The scarf. It smelled just like her."

love #4

"On my way to my parents. She stayed in New York. Not that I had invited her to come to my parents for Christmas but if she would've asked I would've said yes. I think. Usually I didn't talk to much with my parents about girls, and this case was a classic scenario. They had no clue about Melissa. Therefore I didn't have to worry about tricky questions and how to anwser them without being judged as a mean player or married old man. I could just be me. That's partly what I love about going home to Pennsylvania. It's just as it always was. Home."

"The first thing I did to screw us up was probably when I kissed Carmen. Melissa never knew, but I did. That created this wall between us. I was so ashamed, I shut her out. Just a little, every day. I wanted her, someway, not to love me unlimited. Because she deseved better."

love #3

"She stopped loving me. I continued to love her. I think that hurts the most. That my love for her never really died."

love #2

"Melissa. That's her name. She looked crazy-hot. You know, she's one of those persons you'll remember if you just see her walking down the street towards you. And she danced, god how she danced. Red, old fashion dress and high heels. She was a real killer. And right, I tried to play it cool and act not interested, but hey. Sometimes you just have to take the chance before she leaves. Cause she could have. But yet she stayed and talked and danced with me all night long and i followed her to her doorstep like a real gentlemen. Then we kissed."

"- You want some coffie?
- I want you.

She looked at me and bit the tip of her lip, probably as an attempt to be sexy. It worked. Totally. I left the room without giving her as much as a kiss, despite the butterflies in my heart. My mission was for her to follow me and force her love on me. It worked. Totally."

"Once again I had no clue what to give her on her birthday. I desided on a necklace, one of those you can put something in. Then I wrote a note to put in there. I wrote; You've changed me. I give you my heart. Happy birthday Melissa."


"I thought about it when I went out the door and continued my way down the street. It was so easy being inlove with someone, but to love was so much more difficult. When she looked me in the eyes and said I love you I felt nothing. Before she'd said it I felt tons of things, but it was as if all the air disappeard from my lungs and I stood there, quiet and couldn't breathe with a feeling of nothing inside of me. Is she the one? I had to ask myself the question that's been so obivious just a few seconds before ten minutes ago. As soon as she started to love me i started to question things. Us. This. As I continued towards a store down at 2nd and Madison I saw several couples. And I never noticed people. Suddenly, after she started to love me, there were love everywhere, and it was spreading like the plauge."

"After our breakup I got the answer to my question. She was the one. And now I was, to her, no one. Funny where life take us. But it sure hell got it's sense of humor. It was no point in me trying to fix things, they were to broken. But it was sad. I cried two nights in a row. Then the first snow came."

"She was like nothing you've ever seen. Their wedding was amazing. Can two people really have the same the one? If not, her husband was making the biggest mistake of his life. Cause she still had my heart caught."


Idag har jag varit på fina ikea. Blockljus, himalayamix-blomma, hängare. Jag gillar det stark. Livet blir lite bättre efter ett ikeabesök, och helt plötligt får mina juveler vad de förtjänar. En egen hängare (nästan).
Nu har vi kommit hem och jag ska väl försöka plocka iordning på alla grejer. Hm, sen vill jag egentligen åka till stan men jag tror fan inte jag hinner idag alltså.
MEN LOV! Underbara tid på året, kom precis perfekt.

söndag - chilla.
måndag - träffa annapanna och ha BLÄ-reunion, åh.
tisdag - rida i ubby. erika har hästar. jag är lite rädd. men SÅ taggad!
onsdag - baka. och mentalt förbereda mig för...
torsdag - FÖDELSEDAG!
fredag - UTGÅNG!

Helgen där efter är lite obestämt än så länge. Kanske är det lika bra. Hoho.
Annars sitter jag mest och letar insperation till VAD jag ska ha på mig på fredag. Helst vill man ju ha något nytt till ära av min första utgång, men vad vet jag lite halvt.

Jag kanske ska spela in lite musik ikväll.
Jo, det ska jag nog.

Efter en kopp kaffe

NU har jag gjort klart mina anteckningar inför morgondagen.
Kanske kolla lite på Förhäxad och sen sova?
Kanske spela lite musik och sen sova?
Kanske drömma en stund och sen sova?

Listen to a song you love and learn to love the song you listen to.

Vänta nu

Stopp och stanna.
Har man inget att videoblogga om ska man inte videoblogga. Varför vill man lägga ut ett "ehm... hihi... asså..." på en blogg för allmän beskådning? Åh. Jag blir så trött. Ibland förstår jag inte Sveriges cyberspacekändisar.
Jag förstår ju VARFÖR man vill videoblogga, det kan ju vara lite kul (jag peronligen skulle väl bara skämma ut mig men det behöver vi ju inte ta nu eller hur?) att visa sin peronlighet och låta alla ens miljoner läsare höra ens röst. Men då kan man väl prata om något viktigt eller intressant eller roligt. Folk tror att det är en improvisationsövning. Det är det inte. Sluta improvisera, skriv ett manus och skaffa ett kamerastativ. Och sätt dig för fan på ett lämpligt ställe.

För övrigt letar jag efter alla rabattgrejs från la redoute som jag kan uppbringa. Jojo, jag har löst mysteriet. Det var tydligen bara de svarta kängorna det var rabatt på, men bilden visade de bruna. Smart marknadsföring?
Men jag kommer vinna, på ett eller annat sätt.
De ska inte tro nåt.

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